My Wedding

I have finally met the man of my dreams. Cliche, I know, but it's true. I was never actually sure that it would happen. I tried and tried to find him, but he didn't come along until I wasn't looking anymore. I had finally decided to be by myself for awhile, and live my own life, taking care of my boys and myself. Then he walked into my life. From then on, I've been 100% in love and happy. I've met the man that I've always wished I would find. I honestly can't imagine a life without him. So as relationships go, we dated and got engaged and now our wedding is in 10 days. Crazy. People keep asking us if we are nervous, and we continuosly tell them no. We always get the same response..."You will be." This is a statement that I just don't understand. I know we will both be nervous about the wedding itself, the amount of people, ect. Neither of us is nervous about the marriage. We know that we are meant for eachother and that we want nothing more than to spend our lives together, so why be nervous?
Although, I'm not nervous, I am exhausted. Wedding's are stressful. And I'm not one of those brides that thinks every aspect of my wedding has to go on without a hitch. I have kids...my life doesn't work like that! I expect there to be problems and welcome them with open arms. That's what makes a lot of weddings memorable, the unexpected. But all of the organizing and buying is what gets you so stressed out. And I don't regret for a second having an outdoor wedding, but my God it's a lot of work! Trying to remember everything you have to take with you, wondering if the food will stay cold, and if the weather will hold out at a bearable 90 degrees or if it will climb to 110 that day. So we have all of this wedding planning going on, and come to find out we arent sure if John's passport will get here in time. Which isn't such a big deal to get into Canada so we can get on our cruise, but once the cruise is over and we need to get back into the States, it causes a bit of a problem. Talk about adding some stress!
I apologize for this being a big rambling mess of words and thoughts, but this is the only way my brain seems to be working at the given time. It honestly gives me a headache to think...pathetic, I know. And Brandi, I already know that you think that this is a common accurance for me, and it is! But right now, I'm pretty sure, it's worse!
But all in all, when the day is done and all of the wedding planning is over, and our cruise has sailed with or without us, I will still be in the arms of the man of my dreams. Hopefully living happily ever after. Well mostly happy anyways! I hate to count on happily ever after, because there are days when I consider beating John!! But happy all of the time or not, we will stick together. And that's what makes a marriage work.

The not so pleasant parts of the 4th of July

I absolutely love the 4th of July. The BBQ's, the parties, the fireworks, all of it. I especially love watching the faces of my boys when those little "snakes" grow. The most simple firework, if you can call it that, is one of the most intriguing. Along with Pop-It's of course. But hey, who doesn't love those? I don't even mind the non-stop fireworks on the 4th. When I say that I don't mind the non-stop fireworks on the 4th, I mean just that, on the 4th. I despise the week before and the week after the 4th of July. I'm never quite sure if it's college kids, little kids, or adults setting these annoying things off until the wee hours of the night, either way I want to hurt them all! Some people in this country have small children who are trying to sleep at 11 o'clock at night, and we also have jobs we have to go to...amazing huh? Some people really do hold down jobs. College people, get a clue. You know what, you are all probably drunk and can't barely light the fireworks without killing yourselves anyways, but the ones who annoy me the most, are the adults. The ones who get drunk and set their fireworks off right in the middle of the street, while their children stand on the sidelines bored out of their little minds. Or even better yet, the ones who let their 8 year old set fireworks off at 11 o'clock at night on July 1,2,3,_5,6,7 ect. I want to hurt these people. Who in their right mind lets an 8 year old set fireworks off on their own anyways?? Are you shitting me? Maybe I'm a safety freak, but that just seems a bit young to be up at 11 o'clock, let alone setting explosives off by themselves. Ok, enough rambling and to make sure I wasn't confusing anyone, I LOVE the FOURTH of July!!!!!

100 Things About Me

Ok, so I see that a ton of people do this "100 Things about Me", so I figure, why break the trend? I'm just hoping I can figure out 100 things that people don't know about me!

1. I was nominated "cutest couple" in highschool.
2. The guy I was nominated with came to be my husband.
3. He is now my ex-husband.
4. I have two little boys and some days I wish I was free to do what I want, when I want.
5. I wouldn't trade having my boys for anything.
6. The first time I got married, I knew I shouldn't do it before I walked down the isle.
7. I went through with it so I didn't hurt anyones feelings.
8. I've learned to think of myself first sometimes.
9. I once moved away from family and friends for 2 years and I regret almost every moment that I wasn't here.
10. The one and only moment I don't regret is when I had my youngest son.
11. I honestly believe that when I left, I was so depressed I didn't know what I was doing.
12. I missed out on some of my oldest son's life because of this.
13. If I think to hard about moving away and missing things with my son, I can cry at any moment on any day.
14. I never knew what true love was until I met my fiance.
15. I was never sure if I believed that when you met "the one" that you would actually know right away, now I know it's true.
16. I stress over money more than anything else.
17. I claimed the life insurance money of an ex-boyfriend who refused to remove me as beneficiary.
18. I was called a lot of horrible names for doing so.
19. I used to date guys that I subconsiously thought "needed fixed."
20. I'm sometimes scared of what the future may hold. Not just for me, but for my children.
21. I don't know how I feel about God. I want to believe and at times I do, but it's hard for me to put full faith in something I've never seen.
22. I pray daily that this won't effect what happens to me after I die.
23. When my kids were babies, there were times when I understood why people sometimes shake their babies. I never felt the need to do so, I could just see how some people can't control themselves.
24. I see the frustration behind screaming babies, but fully believe that people who shake, hit, beat and kill their children should burn in the pits of hell.
25. If anyone ever hurt one of my kids, I would go to prison.
26. I would do everything in my power to hide what I did to the person that hurt my child, so I could avoid prison and continue to protect them.
27. When I moved away for 2 years my uncle commited suicide and I've never told my dad that I'm sorry for his loss.
28. I've never told my dad that because it hurts me to much to know that I wasn't here.
29. I used to trust people to easily, now I've learned to make them earn it.
30. In highschool I had a party at my parents house and the basement ended up flooding.
31. I'm still not sure how it happened.
32. I still wish I would have gone off to college and lived my life instead of sticking around for a guy.
33. I want to buy a house horribly, but my credit is to bad right now.
34. I would choose love over money anyday.
35. Being in love and with the right person is the best feeling in the world.
36. There are days that I wish that John (my fiance) didn't love playing video games so much.
37. I've been given a black eye by a man because I didn't feel like having sex.
38. I threw his ass in jail.
39. I also almost completely drained his bank account. The only money I left was for food for his children.
40. I have never felt bad for doing so.
41. After I have my 3rd and final child, I'm getting a tummy tuck.
42. I'm vain.
43. I try to spend as little money as I can to look the best I can.
44. I know it's horrible, but watching really really overweight people shove fast food down their throats, disgusts me.
45. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have no intention of changing that.
46. I work hard everyday to change what my last 2 relationships made me become.
47. I'm thankful for John and how understanding he is.
48. I've had the same best friend since I was 5.
49. I would fly to the ends of the earth to help her.
50. I love to camp and get dirty.
51. I love to read.
52. Nicholas Sparks is my favorite author.
53. I can't stand Lord of the Rings.
54. I didn't try weed until I was in my twenties.
55. I never felt pressured to do drugs in highschool.
56. People who sleep around with random people they barely know, gross me out.
57. I'm still not sure what I want to be "when I grow up!"
58. I've never had a pedicure.
59. The one food I can eat until I'm almost sick is KFC's mashed potatoes and gravy.
60. I love sports cars, but need a minivan!
61. People with BO make me want to scream.
62. I love long walks on the beach.
63. I drank a lot in highschool, but hardly ever drink now.
64. I love my friends and family more than they will ever know.
65. When my mom dies, my world will come crashing down. She is my best friend.
66. I pray that my next baby is a girl only because I want the same relationship with her that I have with my mom.
67. I got good grades in highschool but they could have been better.
68. When my ex-husband and I were married he went to Iraq for a year, and I stayed at home with a newborn. I was terrified.
69. My heart still skips a beat when a black car pulls up in front of my house. It brings me back to the 12 months I spent living in fear that a car would pull up to tell me my husband was dead.
70. The most terrifiying call I have ever gotten was when the army called to tell me that there had been an explosion and my husband was hurt.
71. I feel like I actually lost my mind in those last 6 months of his tour. All I could do was care for my baby, otherwise I felt unfunctionable.
72. I love my life now.
73. I wouldn't change anything in my past because if I did, I know I wouldn't be where I am today.
74. I believe with all of my heart that in one of my past lives, my best friend must have been my mother.
75. I love the smell inside of a tire store.
76. I love that my friends come to me when they need advice.
77. I hate drama.
78. I can't stand where we live, but can't afford to move right now.
79. I love when my house is spotless, but have a hard time keeping it that way.
80. I sing in my car.
81. I don't consider my biological father, my dad.
82. He just started coming back in my life, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
83. I sometimes wonder if I'm a good mom or not.
84. When John holds my hand and kisses my forehead, it gives me goosebumps.
85. I don't know John's family as well as I would like to.
86. I pray that Austyn's biological dad with fall off the face of the earth because he isn't worthy of knowing my son.
87. He hit me with my son in his arms.
88. I want to kill him for that.
89. I absolutely love the smell of puppy breath.
90. My favorite flower is a calla lily.
91. I want to travel the world with John someday.
92. I love watching my kids play. It makes me happy.
93. I wish I could find a new job.
94. I love big cities, but can't imagine raising my children in one.
95. I LOVE being pregnant.
96. I accidently claimed 11 dependants 2 years ago on my taxes and still got a lot of money back.
97. I think chivalry has gone out the window, and am very grateful that John still holds on to it.
98. I'm not scared to say what I think.
99. I believe that honesty is a virtue everyone should possess but know that it is rare.
100. I'm scared of failing.

Hopefully that gave some of you an insight to my life, and how I think. I'm not proud of all of it, but it is me and I'm not willing to change that for anyone. I've been there and done all of that and am smart enough and old enough to know that changing for someone else only gets you where you want to be for a short while, before it comes crashing down around you.